i've started putting some money aside for a new camera. i've wanted the canon g10 so i'm pretty sure that's the one i'm going to go with. i don't really stray from canon and i don't have the money for an SLR right now, so that's the next best thing, and it takes beautiful pictures. i also need to get some polaroid film off of ebay or something. i think i'm still in denial over them discontinuing it.
christmas is really creeping up on me this year. i hate winter after the holidays are over. the snow literally loses it's sparkle.
i watched some "a year in the life of j.k. rowling" thing and i really liked her. she's definetly someone i'd love to meet someday, but never will.
sometimes i wish the past or even history didn't exist so that i could just be happy with where i am right now.
i thought i had more to say but i can't think of any of it now.

Name ten songs you've been listening to you, and your favourite line from each of them.


1. "lover you should've come over" by jeff buckley (live in chicago, 11/8/94)
i didn't see you before, but i see you now

2. "army of me" by björk
and if you complain once more, you'll meet an army of me

3. "so far from your weapon" by the dead weather
there's a bullet in my pocket burning a whole, you're so far from your weapon and the place you were born

4. "whole lotta love" by led zeppelin
you've been coolin', baby i've been droolin

5. "chelsea hotel 2" by leonard cohen
you fixed yourself, you said well nevermind, we are ugly but we have the music

6. "just like a woman" by jeff buckley (bob dylan cover)
i was hungry, and it was your world

7. "fast car" by tracy chapman
city lights lay out before us, and your arm felt nice wrapped round my shoulder, and i had a feeling that i belonged, i had a feeling i could be someone, be someone, be someone

8. "madame george" by van morrison
she jumps up and says lord have mercy i think that it's the cops, and immediatly drops everything she gots down into the street below

9. "alejandro" by lady gaga
she's got both hands in her pockets and she won't look at you, won't look at you

10. "my boy builds coffins" by florence and the machine
he's made one for himself, one for me too, one of these days he'll make one for you

the only music that exists in my world right now is jeff buckley and bjork.
and i think that says more about how i am than my actual words and sentences would.

trace
touch
quiet
silent
stand
still
breathe
bright
white
naked
skin

to never never wonder why at all

i think that my feet are trying to kill me, ouch.
i have been so bored lately that i turned next weeks 16 hours into 30 hours at work, the extra money would be nice too. 16 hours? what is that?
i've been contemplating the idea of thinking about going to cosmetology school again. i haven't actually starting thinking about it but i've started to think about thinking about it, cause that makes sense. i don't know though, i think i'd get bored with it. i really want to do something in writing, but i'm afraid i'm not good enough. or film, but i'm afraid that i'll waste my life trying to get into that buisness and end up failing miserably and ending up bitter and alone. i guess i should probably just grow some balls and do it though.
i'm still in the same position, car-less, licence-less, school-less, saved up money-less, living in the city-less.. i wish my dad could pay me back the money he owes me, i wasted 2 years working and saving that up. he stole two years from me.
the state of illinois sucks for making me need a permit for 12 months before i can even get my licence. i know how to drive, just let me!
there's plenty of things to blame myself for too, i just can't go into that because i can't afford to hate myself any more than i already do.
reminder for myself: don't just sit back and expect your life to unfold the way you want it to, cause it won't. nothing moves forward unless you push it, and there's no one here to help you.
i'm sick of my friends.

today i got so mad that i felt like crying. i still feel a build up of emotions inside of me, but i don't think i could cry even if i wanted to. it's a weird feeling to feel like crying, but not being capable of it. it's making my limbs heavy.
i'm begining to get annoyed with how up and down life is. sometimes things aren't so bad, and sometimes things just suck, but there's always that "dark cloud" following me everywhere i go, no matter what. and that sounds really stupid, I know. even the good things in my life are somehow muted or dulled by the overall feeling i have towards my exsitence, and towards my life. and i can't help feeling like it's my own fault. in fact, i'm sure it is. maybe i'm just unhappy because I've been thinking i'm unhappy, if that makes any sence.
i just feel helpless, and like it's too late. i can't change what's already happened, or hasn't happened.

tomarrow i have to wake up early so that i can call uncommon ground and make reservations for the jeff buckley tribute concert that they do every year in chicago since his death. they said that they usually sell out within ten minutes so i'm sort of nervous cause i already have my heart set on it. they said that even his mom has been known to fly in for it, plus it's the closest i can get to ever seeing him in concert.
i'm only schedualed to work 17 hours next week, which sucks because i really could use more money, but it's also kind of nice because i sort of hate work. especially cause everything is changing because we have a new system for orders and credit applications and i just really don't want to have to deal with their shity training tactics and not knowing what i'm doing on top of the holiday season. but whatever i guess, at least i'm employed, right?
today at work ely and i finalized our "five lists." for those of you who don't watch friends, i'm referring to the episode where they all make lists of five celebrities they'd have sex with given the chance, even if you're already with someone. so i'm pretty sure mine goes like this:
1. Robert Pattinson
2. Shia Labeouf
3. Caleb Followil
4. Penn Badgley
5. Jared Leto
a few others that ended up getting bumped off where johnny depp, matthew perry, and hugh laurie. we are very productive workers by the way. my dad came over and hung my blinds yesterday. it was weird having him in my room, and in my house. he also helped me clean off an old dresser we had in the garage and bring it up to my room. it was the first piece of furniture my parents bought when they first got married. normally i don't like things that remind me of my family, or antiques that i know too much about cause i'm weird like that, but i think i really like the dresser. i got to see my little brother yesterday too and we took him for a walk around the path in my backyard. i hadn't walked around out back in so long, everything is so overgrown and so much bigger and wilder than it used to be that i almost missed the clean cut way it was when i was growing up. i want so badly to move away from all this, all the things that i know even when i don't know them. i want to start a life that is just mine, without attachments to my childhood or who i've been. i want to close this book i've been forced into reading and start writing my own.
friday night i was downtown and made it to aritzia second before the closed and blew my money on this gorgeous sweater, and then ran into this guy my friend knew and some of his friends and i actually found one of them to be hot, which is sort of rare for me. we talked for a little bit cause we were both headed off to see different scary thriller movies, he seemed cool but i doubt i'll ever see him again.
i've been watching episodes of my so-called life for the past week and it has sort of made me miss being in high school and thinking the way i used to. angela chase's mind is exactly how mine used to be, but i lost it somewhere along the way. especially how she says she feels like you have to act a certain way because that's who people think you are and expect you to act, only i have no idea who i am so why do i have to act or be a certain way?
am i too old to still not know who i am? or what i want to do with my life? i mean, i have ideas... but nothing solid.
i don't know, i love that show though.

it's my birthday today, i am officially 20 years old.
i'm going to get my hair done and then meeting up with lauren and julie and taking the train downtown to go out to dinner with some friends, and then down to the lake house.
the weather is pretty today, and though i love it i hope it doesn't rain.

i've spent the past few days working and going to bed at 6pm. i don't really understand how life can feel so meaningless. I've had an uncomfortable "i-don't-know what-to-do-with-myself" feeling in the pit of my stomach a lot lately. i'm tired and anxious and bored and feeling bad about myself. i'm sleeping because it's easier than being awake, because when i'm asleep i don't feel or think about anything.
i don't want to turn twenty. i just don't.

work has become almost unbearable and i've talked about it so much lately that i don't want to go into it again.
i've been thinking about keeping a written journal. i have so many that i've never used because i feel like i'll just mess them up and they're too pretty for me to resent them because of what their pages hold. i've just never kept a journal where i'm completely honest with myself, and i would like to, i think. i think i'll go out and find one that's hideous to use.
right now i'm on a train to go to a party downtown that i said i couldn't attend. i'm trying to surprise my best friend and i want there to be a movie moment like, "omg what are you doing here?!" but i'm sure it'll be more like, "oh uhm i thought you couldn't come?" which is fine, i just don't like the way my personality is defined/perceived. i'm capable of being excited and fun and girly, i hate that i feel boring.
i really wish that i had somone to "lean on" so to speak. i don't think i would even know how to if the option were there, but it isn't so i guess i don't need to worry about it. i'm sick of being alone. i'm over being sad about it, now i'm just annoyed and bored and angry. i haven't felt sad in so long, just... a little pathetic, and like there's something wrong with me. i feel like i'm missing out on so much and i'm anxiois yet sort of giving up at the same time. i mean, i'm not giving up but I think about it, the idea just creeps into my mind from time to time and i have to push it away. i've sort of lost track of what i was saying now..
anyway, i think i know what tattoo i want to get. on the right side of my back, right next to wear my back and upper arm touch, i want the words "where is on down the line?" it's a line from one of my favourite songs and it will serve as a sort of a reminder to not put things off, and to live my life now with what i have, instead of sitting around waiting for something better to come along. instead of waiting for my life to start, which is what i've been doing. i need that reminder that this is my life, take it or leave it.
sometimes i think i could survive living my entire life being single, but then the other night i was watching sex and the city and it was the last episode and carrie was upset and saying something along the lines of "i want love... messy, inconvient love..." and i realized that some part of me wants that to, i just don't want to be dissapointed.

i am so ready for fall and sweaters and leaves.
that's all.

i'm on the train on my way back home to the suburbs, and then late to work because the train is running 40 minutes behind schedual. i had a good weekend though, which i feel i sort of deserved after the overly crappy week that i had. lauren and i hung out with allie and went to a vintage store downtown and then to some used book stores. i found two books that i've been wanting to buy but never seem to have the money for. "the unabridged journals of sylvia plath," along with "the golden compass," lauren's been wanting me to read that one for over a year.
this thursday they're having a tom's shoe decorating party at the akira on state street in the loop, and even though i'm slightly broke i'm gunna go buy a pair and decorate them and i'm very excited about it, though a little sad too cause it seems to be one of the highlights of my very uneventful summer.
debbie is leaving work cause she got a new job and i'm really really bummed about it cause i know i won't really talk to her after she leaves, just the occasional stupid facebook status comment or whatever. it's weird to me that i consider her a friend, i just have a lot of fun working with her and talking and stuff. i told her when she applied for the other job that i'd quit if she got it, and i'm seriously considering it.
okay, no, i'm not.
lauren read my tarot cards and pretty much all of them were really negative stuff and it just sort of upset me. all the zodiac stuff never makes any sense with me either, i'm a libra and the only thing that matches is that i'm indecisive.
i love kings of leon.
it's a stay in bed and listen to the rain day. so of course i'm off to work!

kings of leon were amazing, it was hard to get pictures though because by the time they played it had gotten dark out. and i think i am in love with caleb followil. the rest of the concert was just okay, most of the other bands only played for about an hour and it seemed like a lot less. plus it rained almost the entire time and getting to grant park was sort of a nightmare, but kings of leon would have been worth my $80 alone. there was so much mud everywhere and it was so slippery and if i hadn't worn a brand new tank top and my almost favourite jeans i may have had a little more fun with it. we watched one girl completely fall in the middle of this huge mud pit, and another one pop a squat and pee all over her feet. i'm glad we went on friday though because the rain made it almost chilly, and the past two days have been like a heat wave and i don't do well in heat.

things have been weird. i've been thinking back a lot lately, about this time last year and how i feel like i've aged about ten years in the last 12 months. i keep thinking that if i get a haircut it will help, but then i realize how completely moronic that is and end up hating myself a little more. this summer i haven't really thought about anything, i've just pushed it all aside which has actually helped. it's better than being completely aware of it every second of every day. things will flash through my mind and i get panicky for a split second, and then it's gone. i mean, if i don't have a way of dealing with it, if i don't have any possible solution, it won't do me any good to just sit and stress over it, right?

i stuck an old concealer stick into the spot where the power button on my computer used to be, after spending a few minutes prying away at the edges of it with a hammer, and to my shock it actually turned on. you'd think that would be the reason i'm finally updating, but actually i am useing my cell phone right now. after turning my computer on i realized i gave the keyboard to my brother, and that there's something wrong with my internet connection anyway. it's been sort of nice not having a computer for the past few months, but definetly problematic when it comes to paying my bills since i've opted to go paperless on most of them.
i just got back from a long weekend at the lake. it was nice to be up there and go down to the beach, and sleep a lot. now it's back to work on wednesday and back to trying to get all my shit together to go back to school in the fall, i get stressed out just thinking about it.
so far this summers been about tequilla, towing, movies and lots of train rides. if anything really exciting happens i'll let you know. like how i got brand new burberry heels for $49, and how i'm going to see kings of leon in concert, along with bon iver, bat for lashes, and the decemberists!